Don’t You Know

don’t you know? they say, “desire is the root of all the waits”
there must be a good reason that all my love go to waste
“ya stupid cu*t, nobody asked ya ta wait”
yeah i guess i ain’t no Saint, it musta been my damned fate

burnin’ on a Friday night, why does it smell like lie?
“hey i needa be alone for some time, i’ll just be fine”
squeezy, cracky, creamy, isn’t her oyster (pus*y) just divine?
learnin’ poppysmic side by side, the whole scene red as fire
let’s talk bout yo dinner date, nah i gon’ resign (burn alive)

now my world is out of Christ, so I run a heist,
join a savage tribe, hittin’ massive hype
guess she is more of your type, yeah i bet ya wud deny
better if i stay out of sight, yeah i guess they’re right
love takes all my might

hell ya right, eternal fantasy was never a lie
just never been the protagonist in your storyline
blindfolded by my desire all this time, all this time
i wish I would’ve known you aren’t mine (it wasn’t me)

The T__ Shirt

just one last sniff
on your t-shirt that I pilfered
from the witching hour of
— that evening

i preserve your fragrance
in my own writing
seal our memories off
in the palm of the timekeeper’s
wherein he promises
when the right time is upon us
shall all the memories be returned

He Says She Says

who let you in? he asks
the devil does she says
the devil’s kiss no doubt he says
the taste of forbidden fruit for sure she says 
you’re possessed he says
by the lustful Asmodeus she says

you gettin’ handsy he says
you gettin’ buzzy too she says
you’re greedy he says
cause’ you’re mighty she says
take the lead he says
follow the candy she says

dabble or deep pene-? he asks
mlem double-d! she says
strike fast he says
retreat slow she says
be gentle not weak he says
be rough not careless she says

i feel everything he says
worship my body she says
i can’t stop he says
but time’s up she says
my pubic bone hurts he says
as much as my hips she says

One

She rides, rides on top of Mount Everest
he hides, hides inside Cave Hogberget
they follow, follow the groove of avalanche
ready sex go! go down to their deepest core 
cast away, away from all the formidable force
until they feel, feel that they are one forevermore. 

Love Mold

Hum your love words in mellow tone,
mould the shape of heart on my collarbone
with that gentle pressure from your calloused thumb,
and
my naked eyes will follow your lover-bomb.

Butterflies

I get lost on purpose,
for us is such a tasteful notion,
for the thought of recreating us has been too tempting,
for I love us more than the idea of heaven,
so gimme gimme butterflies, baby.

Spicing up our love potion,
with a few drops of sleeping potion,
casts the most unbreakable vow,
which shall send us down the rabbit hole
into our eternal fantasy.

Let It Come and Go

The roars of the rain thrashing and persisting through our heart,
Pours down like tiny fragments of sharp glass, pollutes our courageous soul with dots of fear.
Let it come, shall it be evaporated, as the sun replaces the downpour.
The thought of missing you evokes a storm of our emotion,
Taken form as love, arousing conflicts between our heart and mind for which we regretted.
Let it come, shall it be scattered, when acceptance of our regrets comes with age.
The pain rooted deeply in our life knocking rudely on our door,
Drowns sadness in the pool of blood, yet muddles us with the sweet scent of red roses.
Let it come, shall it be gone, from the moment we allow our torment to fade to gray.

Chapter 4: Surrender to The Unreason

I Just Wanna —

At that night, I hate Time. The clock ticking away, our goodbye moment approaching in hours, made my heart race. I did not want to fall asleep, hoping to spend every waking moment with Autumn Breeze.

My inner child was about to make a love confession, yet I admonished her against such an irrational decision, for full honesty only brings us harm. While we were quarrelling, our goodbye moment had arrived promptly. Once again, Time proves its undefeatable quality. So rationality pre-dominated us; calm on the surface, ending this precious moment with a gentle kiss and a sweet promise. Autumn Breeze gave us a reassuring smile, and we replied happily, ‘see you in December’.

Day by day, everything goes back on track, being busy with planning life out. Week by week, I am slowly mending the relationship with my inner child. Nevetheless, unlocking our deepest secret has led us to frequent memory flashbacks of Spring.

Spring, my dearest Spring.

A month passed by, Autumn Breeze drifted away, regardless of our effort to chase after him. Disconnected — in ways which perfectly followed my script. My inner child panicked, pushing in for the next move. ‘Be patient. Good things only come to those who wait’, I said. ‘What if the best timing had already slipped away during your rational goodbye back then?’ she questioned.

Calculating the possibilities for regrets from my inaction, I really could not confront her with a valid argument. ‘Did you not regret for things that you could have done for Spring?’, she pushed further. In a flash, the memories of Spring came up involuntarily.

Coward! Coward! Coward! 

At this very moment, I gave in, now she takes full control of our action. We confess love. We reveal and explain every greedy and selfish thought. Every single letter was expressed with real emotions. It was as if we are going to die for Love. We wish that we are more than purely youthful excitement or primal lust, for him. If we were to turn ourselves into a soldier of our emotion, let it be. We are sick of our cowardly, rational character. So what happens next?

— Be Brave.

T.B.C.

Chapter 3: Love Empowerment

To Be Seen Is —

With the constant bombardment and blast, the inner war finally caused a deep crack in the gigantic wall.

My inner child mumbled aloud, asserting that Spring took away the key to our deepest secret the moment he left us; it cannot be unravelled. This seemingly weak mentality further enraged my army, who pointed their weapon sharply at her forehead, determined to kill her at all cost. At the peak of war tensions, Love raised its voice and announced, ‘I can re-make the key.’

Dawn arrived, with the slanting ray of the morning sun shining in, it lightened up the darkness, capturing the moment where Love unlocked our secret. Meanwhile, a flutter of curious Autumn Breeze quietly sneaked inside the wall from the crack. Our deepest secret was being seen! My inner child felt as if her heart stopped beating; she thought, ‘revealing the sins of our secret to others prophesies our fate of being abandoned.’ 

While my inner child was overwhelmed by all the possibilities of misery, planning for an ultimate escape from our memory palace, the Autumn Breeze surprisingly does not loathe her for her secret, instead pulling her closer to him. The presence of Autumn Breeze, together with the sunrays, Love is now empowered; darkness and my army are engulfed in the sea of love. 

The Autumn Breeze gently kisses my inner child, she can feel the caress of his breath on her lips. So can the sorrow in her soul be at peace, be soothed and be unwound. Tic tac tic tac, they both realise that they are running out of time. Wishing that he truly accepts her darkness and loves her scars, yet they will soon be separated, far away from each other.

Tonight will be our last night spending time with Autumn Breeze, her excitement is making irritating noise in my mind. Undeniably, I too, very much enjoy his company, nevertheless I do not like the growing fear of losing him and the unrealistic desire of being with him, they are too irrational. I am saying, perhaps, Autumn Breeze is the right person, who appears at the right timing, but meeting him at a different country, can love ever happen?

— To Be Loved.

 

Chapter 4: Surrender to The Unreason

Chapter 2: The Inner War

The Only Way Out Is —

At nights of riot, suffering from insomnia and severe heartache, I had recurring dreams of Spring again. Knowing that the darkness stemmed from this deepest secret, shall I really hold your hand and find out the answer together, my inner child.

In search of our deepest secret, my army of hatred, guilt, remorse and sadness was unleashed, following the sound of betrayal and fear, marched into the memory palace and launched attack. Within the quiet heart of darkness, there was a voice of hope, calling out muffledly for help. My inner child and I forged into the darkness, stepping closer to the voice. It spoke in a trembling voice, ‘please don’t leave me here’. In a split second, we lost sanity, desperate to hunt down the intruder. Here it is! Unexpectedly, it is Love, who has been imprisoned here for a decade. It slowly loomed out of the darkness.

The war had already begun in the interim. Bombs landed into the darkness, while they were tearing each other limb by limb, blood being splattered all over them. In hope of protecting our deepest secret, my inner child, vulnerable yet courageous, stood alone in her bare feet, against the army while they commanded her to leave, burying herself with our secret honourably rather than living in pain.

I screamed, ‘my dearest child, what are you trying to protect our secret from?’
‘From their loathsome morals, cruel judgments, and disgraceful sympathy!’
I challenged, ‘my strongest army, what are you trying to protect us from?’
‘From your selfish ego, unbearable cowardice, and untrustworthiness!’

Each of them fought for their own beliefs, both swore to be at my service, striving to bring me the greatest benefits; nevertheless, which war, with its agony and unscrupulousness, is not altogether obnoxious?

— Through.

 

Chapter 3: Love Empowerment

Chapter 1: Lost in Translation

I was bewildered by her feeling. It had been awhile since my inner child last took a peek from behind her cold, gigantic wall. She sat on the fence of the wall and smiled while Summer was walking past. She blushed and said, ‘I like him’. I missed her innocent smile, so I confessed love frivolously to Summer for her sake. He smiled back, with such a sophisticated smile, and his eyes were full of mystery. So I thought, ‘shall the game begin’. Following their erotic dance, an irresistible stomach-knocking feeling was aroused from within.

My inner child approached Summer, hesitating if she should hold his hand tightly and invite him to play inside our wall. My mind forewarned her, ‘Flee! Before Summer melts your ego.’

I was paralysed with love and fear. Starting to perspire and tremble, yet she ignored my warning and took a big step closer to Summer. Certainly he could smell the fear in her scent. Although he said ‘it is okay’ in a soft voice, he stared into her eyes with a sneer, and turned his head away all a sudden; we were lost in translation. Then, on the spur of the moment, he vanished like Oz the wizard. Yet his remaining heat melted the seal of our memory palace, releasing the darkness out from its hell, which triggered an inner war. 

My inner child could not stop her heartache, covering her tiny face with her hands, tears shedding down from her chin dropped heavily on my heart. My heart whispered to her, ‘Summer has been lost, you found him ’cause you have been a little lost yourself too.’

I am now awaken, realising that Summer is my mirror and that was why we were attracted to each other. In his eyes, it was not mystery but bunkers of mistrust and fear, clearly reflected deep in my irides, where he also has a wounded child living inside his own gigantic wall. As scared as my inner child felt, it was also difficult for him to let her venture into his inner world. How much I wish I could save him. But we must save ourselves before we can save the others.

Looking back at the wall I built around myself, and the memories of Spring, our deepest secret, which I have been trying to dissociate throughout these years, it changes everything that I thought I know about myself.

My inner child, now putting on her armour, is ready to exert herself to seek the truth, collecting fragments of memory, piece by piece, in order to bring us victory. She asked, ‘will you join me to the darkness of our memory palace?’

Chapter 2: Inner War