Tag: Fear

Chapter 4: Surrender to The Unreason

I Just Wanna —

At that night, I hate Time. The clock ticking away, our goodbye moment approaching in hours, made my heart race. I did not want to fall asleep, hoping to spend every waking moment with Autumn Breeze.

My inner child was about to make a love confession, yet I admonished her against such an irrational decision, for full honesty only brings us harm. While we were quarrelling, our goodbye moment had arrived promptly. Once again, Time proves its undefeatable quality. So rationality pre-dominated us; calm on the surface, ending this precious moment with a gentle kiss and a sweet promise. Autumn Breeze gave us a reassuring smile, and we replied happily, ‘see you in December’.

Day by day, everything goes back on track, being busy with planning life out. Week by week, I am slowly mending the relationship with my inner child. Nevetheless, unlocking our deepest secret has led us to frequent memory flashbacks of Spring.

Spring, my dearest Spring.

A month passed by, Autumn Breeze drifted away, regardless of our effort to chase after him. Disconnected — in ways which perfectly followed my script. My inner child panicked, pushing in for the next move. ‘Be patient. Good things only come to those who wait’, I said. ‘What if the best timing had already slipped away during your rational goodbye back then?’ she questioned.

Calculating the possibilities for regrets from my inaction, I really could not confront her with a valid argument. ‘Did you not regret for things that you could have done for Spring?’, she pushed further. In a flash, the memories of Spring came up involuntarily.

Coward! Coward! Coward! 

At this very moment, I gave in, now she takes full control of our action. We confess love. We reveal and explain every greedy and selfish thought. Every single letter was expressed with real emotions. It was as if we are going to die for Love. We wish that we are more than purely youthful excitement or primal lust, for him. If we were to turn ourselves into a soldier of our emotion, let it be. We are sick of our cowardly, rational character. So what happens next?

— Be Brave.

T.B.C.

Chapter 3: Love Empowerment

To Be Seen Is —

With the constant bombardment and blast, the inner war finally caused a deep crack in the gigantic wall.

My inner child mumbled aloud, asserting that Spring took away the key to our deepest secret the moment he left us; it cannot be unravelled. This seemingly weak mentality further enraged my army, who pointed their weapon sharply at her forehead, determined to kill her at all cost. At the peak of war tensions, Love raised its voice and announced, ‘I can re-make the key.’

Dawn arrived, with the slanting ray of the morning sun shining in, it lightened up the darkness, capturing the moment where Love unlocked our secret. Meanwhile, a flutter of curious Autumn Breeze quietly sneaked inside the wall from the crack. Our deepest secret was being seen! My inner child felt as if her heart stopped beating; she thought, ‘revealing the sins of our secret to others prophesies our fate of being abandoned.’ 

While my inner child was overwhelmed by all the possibilities of misery, planning for an ultimate escape from our memory palace, the Autumn Breeze surprisingly does not loathe her for her secret, instead pulling her closer to him. The presence of Autumn Breeze, together with the sunrays, Love is now empowered; darkness and my army are engulfed in the sea of love. 

The Autumn Breeze gently kisses my inner child, she can feel the caress of his breath on her lips. So can the sorrow in her soul be at peace, be soothed and be unwound. Tic tac tic tac, they both realise that they are running out of time. Wishing that he truly accepts her darkness and loves her scars, yet they will soon be separated, far away from each other.

Tonight will be our last night spending time with Autumn Breeze, her excitement is making irritating noise in my mind. Undeniably, I too, very much enjoy his company, nevertheless I do not like the growing fear of losing him and the unrealistic desire of being with him, they are too irrational. I am saying, perhaps, Autumn Breeze is the right person, who appears at the right timing, but meeting him at a different country, can love ever happen?

— To Be Loved.

 

Chapter 4: Surrender to The Unreason

Chapter 2: The Inner War

The Only Way Out Is —

At nights of riot, suffering from insomnia and severe heartache, I had recurring dreams of Spring again. Knowing that the darkness stemmed from this deepest secret, shall I really hold your hand and find out the answer together, my inner child.

In search of our deepest secret, my army of hatred, guilt, remorse and sadness was unleashed, following the sound of betrayal and fear, marched into the memory palace and launched attack. Within the quiet heart of darkness, there was a voice of hope, calling out muffledly for help. My inner child and I forged into the darkness, stepping closer to the voice. It spoke in a trembling voice, ‘please don’t leave me here’. In a split second, we lost sanity, desperate to hunt down the intruder. Here it is! Unexpectedly, it is Love, who has been imprisoned here for a decade. It slowly loomed out of the darkness.

The war had already begun in the interim. Bombs landed into the darkness, while they were tearing each other limb by limb, blood being splattered all over them. In hope of protecting our deepest secret, my inner child, vulnerable yet courageous, stood alone in her bare feet, against the army while they commanded her to leave, burying herself with our secret honourably rather than living in pain.

I screamed, ‘my dearest child, what are you trying to protect our secret from?’
‘From their loathsome morals, cruel judgments, and disgraceful sympathy!’
I challenged, ‘my strongest army, what are you trying to protect us from?’
‘From your selfish ego, unbearable cowardice, and untrustworthiness!’

Each of them fought for their own beliefs, both swore to be at my service, striving to bring me the greatest benefits; nevertheless, which war, with its agony and unscrupulousness, is not altogether obnoxious?

— Through.

 

Chapter 3: Love Empowerment